Want to know how easy it is to meet other singles these days? Then you might be in the right place. I've been surfing online-dating sites since the turn of the century. Yes, the 21st Century wiseguy. I hope my experiences will benefit someone that really doesn't care to hang out in the produce section of the grocery store. Or worse, sit on a bar-stool waiting for Mr. or Miss. Right to walk in.
This is going to only be from my perspective, so remember to consider the source. My thoughts and experience might be of use to someone if they don't shy at a warped and morbid sense of humor.
Online dating sites and with real-time forums too! Wow, what a lucrative idea someone had with that one. Those of us that are either couch-potatoes or just too anti-social to socialize, there's our answer. Cruise the web for unsuspecting members of the opposite sex, or not, depending on personal preference. You just sign up for a free membership, or, some sites will be glad to take your money for the same punishment. When trying to pick a site, many of them make it easy and allow you to pull up lists of members so you can take a peek. But don't count on any of these "eye-catchers" to actually be on the site. I hear modeling for these places pays pretty good.
After you've decided on a site, it's easy to fill out a profile or short auto-biography. You can decide whether or not you want to tell the truth or go in under-cover.
I recommend reading several profiles first to get an idea of how it's done. When you are finished doing that, you should be ready to shower, put on something fetching and go out into the real world to find a date. Okay, don't let me discourage you. I have heard of people meeting online and hooking up, for keeps, well, only rumors of.
Searchin', readin' and weedin'. This shouldn't take that long, depending on how low you're willing to go. You just type in your personal preferences, i.e., tall, dark, handsome, rich, sweet, loving, kind, no bad habits, no baggage(because I have enough and there's no more room for yours), blablabla, then hit "enter"(see how to list your most reasonable expectations?). There'ya go! Voila, it's rainin' men! Whoops, "0 men fitting that description, please narrow your search and try again". So you simply modify your preferences, i.e., male, still breathing.
Now you're getting somewhere. 32,000 results. Let the games begin! Who's for real and who's not. Let's make it easy, they all lie. Sorry, we need to think positively? It's a matter of who is the most attractive liar. Okay, I'm trying, really I am. You're thinking some have got to be real! After all, you are real, right? Someone reading this might truly want help finding a date online, even though it's a waste of time. Sorry again, I feel so ashamed(has anyone figured out why I'm single yet?)
I've seen profiles written by someone's kid. Trying to help dear ole dad or mom. And maybe just trying to get rid of them.
Fiction: My dad is awesome! He is kind and loving, likes to fish, read, watch a little TV, not a sports addict, is into health and fitness. He is very generous.
Truth: Please, someone come and get this sorry, specimen of a father. He's running us ragged bailing him out of jail. I'm sure they switched fathers on me in the hospital. Please have a driver's license, he doesn't, please have a job, he doesn't. Don't worry about a place to live, he has his own tent and Coleman stove and he'll share(if he wants to stay on that piece of property we own over the 1950, toxic. waste dump).
So buyer beware. I know, there is someone reading this that is dying to meet this guy, I understand. We just have to lower our expectations or remain alone. Besides, when there is the glow of green, you won't have to worry about an electric bill. Write me, I'll hook you up.
Over the years, I have dropped in on just about every dating site there is. After reading hundreds of profiles I am amazed at how many perfect people are single. And we thought all the good ones were taken. I mean, why is anyone lonely and single? In answering this question, remember a person can write anything they want on a profile, well, profanity is frowned upon but don't be surprised to see it.
How about a few more profile examples?
Male Profile: I edgucated, speak langages, look for same in woman so can do stuff in ilike (finding a gal that also needs a GED might be a good match for this fella or same edgucated).
Female Profile: Really nice, sweet temperament, smart, friendly woman with heart of gold All I want is to have a man to love. Please go elsewhere if you are more than 2 years older than me, I can't stand these old guys trying to hit on me, yuck! Also, I can't do "overweight"(this coming from a gal with a photo that hides every part of her, except her big face. It's a pretty face but there is no way that big of a face would fit on a height/weight proportionate woman. Again, buyer beware).
Male Profile: I don't want a woman who doesn't think farts are funny(sorry ladies, this one I snagged for myself).
Female Profile: I don't want a free-loader that just wants a woman to do everything for him. I need a man that is generous with his money, good with cars, plumbing, laundry, housekeeping and cooking. So have some skills ok?(doesn't this belong in the Help Wanted section?)
How about some eye-catching headlines? Every site will tell you that an eye-catching headline will take you far in finding a date. This is the 1 to 5 words title that is meant to lure you into their profile. Here's a few, maybe not great but then again, if it works, who can say:
Male Headlines:
1. Knight, in shining tin-foil(funny guy but he may wear a lot of tin-foil)
2. Looking for a real person(as opposed to what? A blow-up doll?)
3. The voices in my head say hi(k, and what do you say Mr. Sybil?)
4. Looking for a friend or more depends(or looking for a friend that will bring him more Depends).
5. Willing to lie about how we met!(still clinging to your foolish pride? Here's a keeper!)
6. I certainly admire people who do things(this is attractive, right up there with "Looking for a real person".)
Female Headlines:
1. A GREAT WOMAN(rumor has it Hilary Clinton is cruising online-dating sites).
2. Be Genuine..I Dare You(this one is really saying "all men are pigs" and carries a stun-gun)
3. Not like the other broads(is that bad or good?).
4. Got teeth?(easy to please. Either that or she needs to borrow yours).
5. A "happy with self" person(and she wants to break up a good thing?).
I couldn't write a blurb about online-dating without talking a little about the real-time forums or message boards. Here is where the real action is. Only the bravest of the brave venture into these mud-slinging arenas. I mean you better be tough-skinned folks. If you are an honestly, nice person just let me tell you right up front. You will be ripped to shreds. Nothing against religions, but don't let that fool you when searching out nice folks to mingle with. Talk about devouring their own. No wonder no one wants to hear about religion.
Let's see, maybe a few examples:
Woman's Comment: I really prefer a guy with hair on his head, not on his back.
Male Reply: You're some piece of work. I sincerely hope you choke on a hair-ball!
Male Question: I am tired of being the nice guy. I take a woman out, do my best to be a gentleman and show her a good time. Then I hear that all she wants is to be friends. Maybe I should just be an ass. Is that what women want?(this guy needs to contact the guy that is giving up his blow-up doll).
Female Reply: The women you are dating are too intelligent for you. They are just trying to be polite. They don't want to continue seeing a dumb ass. Shallow bimbos might be your best bet. They can really appreciate a gym rat with a personality less exciting than a telephone dial tone(something tells me these 2 have met).
Male Question: How many of you guys would fight some other dude to get the attention of the woman you have feelings for, or love (how refreshing, an old-fashioned guy, brought to via Walla Walla State prison).
Male Reply: Might fight for the remote, but the batteries are dead anyway(this is funny but then again, he could be a control freak).
Here's a line from another fella that hasn't had the best of luck on a dating site:
Male Question: Why do women hate short guys?(Does this guy know who Tom Cruise, Patrick Swayze, Mark Wahlberg and Matt Damon are?)
Female Reply: It's not your height, it's probably your whining, sniveling attitude. (This gal is making big bucks as a self-esteem coach).
Male Question: How do you other guys go about getting a date on here? (This guys headline reads "Tired of Living at Home").
Male Reply: A Date! You should consider yourself lucky to even get an answer to an e-mail. Here's how it plays out. No one responds to your e-mails! It's just a game for bored people. Now if by some quirk of fate you get a reply, hold on! You're just as likely to see the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse charging through your computer screen. So are we having fun yet? (I hear this guy got arrested at Wally World for loitering in the produce section. No surprise here, I could see he was feeling desperate).
Are you ready to get into online-dating yet? Maybe you've headed for the produce section yourself. But, if you are still with me, here are a couple "how to get a date" lines(please note these are not necessarily in "from best to worst" order).
1. Male: Excuse me can I buy you a fish sandwich?
2. Male: Do you think this rag smells like chloroform?
3. Female: You're not too smart are you? I like that in a man.
4. Female: I don't want anything to do with you, go away!
So there is my short version of online-dating experiences. If nothing else, you might want to log in with the nice person you met at a BBQ and enjoy a laugh together.
And just one more thing. A few more tips:
1. Pick a free site if you really can't afford a pay-site, but I do notice folks are a little more inclined to be serious about meeting someone if they are willing to buy a membership.
2. Don't expect people to be anything like their profiles
3. Don't expect people to look anything like their photos
4. Don't expect anything at all and you will not be disappointed
5. Don't assume, if you are a woman, it is a man, adult or even a humanoid that's behind the profile
6. Same thing as above statement if you are a man, adult or humanoid.
Again, only my experience but, online-dating really isn't much different then meeting someone any place else. You still don't know who they really are. One difference being, you can see them when you meet in person. Unless they have a bag over their head. I haven't seen this often and if you do, they probably are not looking to meet you but rather take you hostage since they just robbed the bank.
No comments:
Post a Comment