Monday, November 5, 2012

We Live in a Box

We are ruled by our electronic devices today. there is much less human interaction than even 10 years ago. Take a look around you. In any average city you will see young, and even old people, in malls, offices, stores, and everywhere talking or texting on cell phones, laptops or whatever the device "du jour" is. I am old enough to remember when people used to get together in a local neighborhood and have parties and cookouts. They knew, interacted, and even loved their neighbors! Today, however, people seem to live their lives as "avatars". The real world has become so digital that we have forgotten what it is to be human to some extent.

Online dating is just another example of how our lives have become absorbed into a virtual, matrix-like pseudo reality, where very little one-on-one human contact and communication takes place.

I am not against trying to find a partner online, this is what this blog is mostly about after all. And it seems that that online dating is the most effective avenue for meeting available and compatible partners left to us. And there is a great advantage to what computers, in that area offer us as tools.

I just want to remind folks that the ultimate goal is face-to-face, real, flesh-and-blood human communication and interaction. Hugs, kisses, warm human contact, conversation and romance!

So the next time you are in a public place, and you see someone you may be potentially attracted to... speak up, introduce yourself, even act out. Because that is another, over-looked, old-fashioned, and forgotten modality for making friends and meeting prospective partners.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Romantic Pinterest Images

Leave it to Pinterest fans to find some really romantic Images from all over the net...

Friday, July 13, 2012

Retro Dating: The Telephone Chatline

Before the net really hit it's stride people would meet, date and even get married via Phone Dating. These types of phone dating services are making a comeback for several reasons. The phone is more popular than ever in the form of the mobile phone. Young people are calling or texting all the time and people now have their phones with them wherever they go.

Here's how a phone chatline works. You call a toll free number and get assigned a local number from your area code, with which you can call and listen to profiles of singles near you. You can filter the profiles by age and other stats. If you find a profile that interests you, you can leave a message. If that member likes your message he or she can message you back, this can go back and forth a few times or immediately result in a phone conversation between the two interested parties.

There are some obvious advantages to this form of introduction over the typical online dating service. Number one, you can tell a lot by a person's voice - how old they are, their nationality, education level and intelligence level, and if they are crude enough to create a phone intro while the are drunk or stoned out of their minds. You can pick up on a hundred subtle personality clues about a person just by their voice, and manner of speaking. You may not get everything, but it is much easier to hide things behind written messages or emails than it is through phone conversations.

And that is the initial goal of online dating is it not? To get a person's phone number. We all know we can get to know someone better when we talk to them one-on-one. Sadly, this step is often never reached via normal online dating services. More often or not, it's the dreaded email "back-and-forth", which takes time. Sometimes you have to wait up to a day or two to get a response from someone - and people have very hectic schedules these days. What often happens is people end up responding to a number of email messages over a long period of time, which makes it difficult to remember who is who an who wrote what. Only to find out later by the other's person sudden lack of response, that he or she has been distracted or has moved on to "greener pastures".

A Phone chat line may be a bit retro, but sometimes the "old way" of doing things is still, in many ways, the best way. My own experience with phone dating has been good. I have found weekend dates quickly, and even met someone that I am still dating on the regular. What's more, it's really a lot of fun to listen to the recorded introductions of local singles, some are funny, some are a bit crazy, and yes, some are downright sexy!

Friday, June 29, 2012

Birth Order Theory-Find Who You Are Compatible With

There are many theories around that tout using the birth order of someone can lead to a better understanding of their characteristics and what makes them tick.According to those who subscribe to such theories, you can use this information to find a partner who you will be compatible with.

That's what birth order theory for relationships is all about.

Actually, birth order theory for relationships can not only work for romantic relationships but for all your relationships.

Here is a basic overview:

The first born is the one who is stronger, reliable and likes to be in control. They tend to be more conservative and like to move forward.Second borns tend to be more of the "people pleasers". They tend to work well with others and are more flexible than first borns. They usually aren't that good at pushing themselves but they do work well in groups,An only child tends to be a high achiever and is good at working on their own. They like to please others and like to receive praise for their efforts.The youngest borns are the ones that like to be on the go. They are the "shoot first and ask questions later" type of people. They aren't that good at telling themselves "no" and can often find themselves in very difficult situations.

That is an obviously very brief overview but it may help you understand yourself a little better. You may see a little of yourself in some of these categories.

However,  it is a little more complicated than just this.

For example, you may be a second born but the first born had some issues and you had to "step up" and took on more of the first born type characteristics.

Or you could be the baby of the family but there was so many years between you and your older siblings that you were basically an only child.

In these cases you are most likely to be a "blend" of various traits.

The important thing to take away from all of this, whether you believe in this theory or not, is that if you want to be successful in life and relationships you must know yourself, which may mean facing some unpleasant things about who you are.

It's surprising how little many of us actually know about ourselves.We simply choose to see what we choose to see.

The problem with that is that by honestly defining our strengths and our weaknesses (instead of just ignoring our own weaknesses) we can either make some changes and / or surround ourselves with people who will help compensate for our weaknesses.

Doing that will help us make stronger bonds in all our relationships and it can also help us find our perfect career and perform better at that career.

If you want to learn more about the theory of birth order there are many books available on the subject. Just pick one and get started .. but the most important thing is that you know you and then you will know the type of person you will work best with and who is most likely to make you happy in life.

Birth order theory for relationships - learn more today.

More resources for relationships can be found at the following links....

The Magic of Making Up ... for those of you who need help in restoring a broken relationship.

Get Him to Commit ... for those girls out there who seem stuck at a certain point in a relationship and do not know how to help move it forward.

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Fighting in Relationships Is Painful and Pointless But How Do You Stop?

Do you give in to anger when your man does something you don't like? Does he trigger reactions in you that you don't like in yourself? If you find yourself fighting, arguing and blaming your man, then you may not be doing yourself or your relationship any favours. Arguing with a man will rarely get you what you want and is generally a cause of disconnection, frustration, resentment and relationship failure. Read this article to discover why arguing with your man is a waste of time and can damage your relationship. You will also find ideas on how to stop.

Are you a shouter or a blamer? Can you remember back to arguments you have had where your man kept his cool whilst you lost the plot? However unreasonable his arguments, he probably almost came across as superior. You probably felt upset and frustrated as well as humiliated and unsupported. You see, men have a much easier time detaching from their emotions and are therefore better placed to argue from a logical point of view.

If you are the type of woman who loses her cool in a relationship, you may find your man switches off his emotions and becomes cool and distant. When he feels attacked, criticised or blamed by you, you trigger his competitive spirit and he forgets to be loving. He now becomes cold and in some cases, seems almost calculating or cruel. Under these circumstances many men will feel the need to prove themselves right... at your expense.

Women on the other hand, are much more in touch with their emotions. When your man becomes critical and unloving, you not only have to deal with the original issue, but now feel disconnected with him which causes you additional pain. If he tries to ignore your emotions in a bid to solve the problem you will feel unsupported and unloved. His frustration at your reactions may quickly turn to anger. The differences between you can lead to an escalation in many cases from minor disagreement to eruption of a major confrontation, followed by stalemate, withdrawal and silence.

Is it wrong to get into an argument with your man? Well, if that has been your pattern of habit over some or many years then I would suggest that you will find it difficult to do anything else, until you become aware of your patterns and start to change them. Generally these types of over-emotional reactions are below our conscious control and have been programmed over many years. The point about arguing is that it does not solve the underlying issues. It generally leads to pain, upset and time wasted in disconnection and frustration with each other. Perhaps the whole weekend gets ruined over something that started as a minor disagreement.

In time, the argument appears to go away, but the real problems including inability to communicate effectively, to compromise, to meet each other's needs and the negative emotional habits remain. The associated resentment and stuffed anger simmer below the surface, waiting to trigger another fight at the slightest opportunity.

If your relationship suffers from a problem with anger, then simply realising that this is not ideal may be enough to start some change. Anger and fighting in relationships are just unhealthy patterns of reaction and can be reprogrammed but it will take effort and self-control. Realise that shouting and blaming are not effective ways to communicate or get your point across. If you continue to allow these patterns of resentment and anger in your relationship then sooner or later it will fall apart.

You can't change another person so you will need to look at your own behaviour to see where you can change first. When you change your patterns and refuse to be pulled into a fight, your man will be forced to change his. Refrain from shouting and blaming and tell him how you feel instead of what he did wrong. Start to be aware of where tension arises in your relationship and pull back to cool off before resuming discussion at a later time when you have thought things through. Look at what the underlying problem is rather than just the surface issue. Usually it is one or both partners feeling insignificant, abused or taken for granted.

Fighting in relationships is pointless and painful. A healthy communication process involves negotiation and compromise, where you both stand up for what you want but are prepared to compromise at times. Sticking to the real issues, avoiding criticism and blame is essential. Changing will be difficult and take time but it is the only way to foster a mature, loving relationship.

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Emotional Needs: Can Another Person Fulfil Our Emotional Needs?

When one looks for a relationship, there are emotional needs that one is looking for another person to fulfil within them. These needs can be conscious and known, and they can be unconscious and unknown.

And some of these needs will be possible for another person to fulfil and meet and some of these needs will not be.

Emotional Needs

The needs that I am talking about include: validation, acceptance, attention and approval. On the surface these needs can appear to be healthy and functional.

However, the desire to have these needs met shows that they are lacking in some way or do not exist in the individual already. And as we are not perfect human beings and neither are we meant to be; it is normal to have needs.

What is important here is to find out what these needs are; if it is possible for another to fulfil these needs and where they are coming from.

The Power Of Needs

The drive to have these needs met is incredible powerful and when these needs are not met it can lead to all kinds of mental and emotional consequences. In the short term this could cause one to feel frustrated and angry. And in the long term this could result in one feeling disempowered and even depressed.

When these needs are perceived as only being able to be fulfilled through other people, it can create dependence, manipulation and desperation.

If one perceives these needs as only being able to be fulfilled through other people; it is natural for one to feel at the mercy others. And then to either control another or to be controlled can seem to be the only options.

The Ego Mind

One of the things that the ego mind does is project onto the outside world what has not been realised and acknowledged within. And this is what happens when it comes to certain emotional needs.

As we can see, these needs appear to exist externally and in the form of other people. But when one is with other person and feels these needs, it is a process that is going inside. With the other person acting like a catalyst or mirror, that allows one to feel these needs being fulfilled.


What then happens is one's ego mind begins to associate these needs as only being able to be fulfilled through the other person. And ones wellbeing begins to depend on the other person.

This can lead to two scenarios. If the other person ends the relationship it can lead to feeling rejected, abandoned, betrayed and not wanted any more. Or one can end the relationship oneself and find another person that fulfils the needs in the same way.

And in each of these two scenarios one can feel emotional and mental pain. If one cannot observe their internal processes the same cycle is likely to continue. This can happen without one ever questioning where these needs have come from and if it is possible for another to fulfil them.


As these needs are projected externally by the ego mind and then show up in others, it is not easy to observe what is going on. With the emotions, thoughts, feelings and sensations and the external reality that these create; it can be extremely difficult to detach from what shows up.

One can then feel trapped by circumstances and enslaved to these needs. But if the ego mind has projected these needs externally, why has this happened?

And if one doesn't accept or approve of oneself for example; is it possible for another to do these things?

Through observing the processes of the mind and body, one can come to question and answer if this is actually possible.


In order to understand why these have been projected externally one needs to look at their history. And one of the biggest blocks and challenges in looking at ones history is the defence mechanism known as - repression.

Here the past situations that were traumatic and therefore unprocessed remain frozen and stuck in the body. One is unlikely to be aware of this occurrence and all of these memories will influence ones behaviour and perceptions.


It is during ones childhood that these needs first appear and at this stage is it not possible for the child to take care of these needs. Here the child will need to be; mirrored, accepted, validated and soothed by the caregiver.

An in an ideal world this needs would be taken care of; so that the child can grow up to be emotionally and mentally functional and well adjusted. However, this is something that doesn't always happen and then these needs are partly taken care of or they are completely ignored.


After one has experienced the rejection or invalidation of their needs as a child, one is likely to have repressed these needs. Here one will either look outside for their fulfilment or deny them altogether.

Due to this process going on unconsciously one is often unaware that this process is even taking place. And as an adult one can regress to this earlier stage in their life and take on the role of the inner child.

Inner Child

Because even though one is an adult and therefore has different needs to what a child has; if one regresses to the inner child one can perceive another as a being a parent or a caregiver.

And the only way for the child to have any of its needs taken care of was through another person. It was not possible for the child to take care of these needs. So what the trauma of the past does is associate these needs as coming from another person.

Relationship Mirrors

One of the things that relationships can assist with is to mirror all that one has not acknowledged and let go off from their past.

And during the stages of a relationship, one can feel that these needs are finally being taken care of. One can be aware of their inner child here or they may not. But what is clear to see is that although another can be a mirror to processing what happened in the past, they cannot give one what didn't happen in the past.

The needs that one has during a child are inevitably going to be different to the needs that one has as an adult.

The Past Repeats Itself

And whether these have been processed or not, will go a long way to defining what will happen in ones development. One could end up on an endless cycle of going from one relationship to another and unconsciously searching for those neglected childhood needs.

Being The Observer

When one has identified with their ego mind and merged with the inner child, it can create the illusion that one is missing something within and that these missing parts can only be found through another person. What another person can do, is allow one to realise that they already exist within.

These are perceptions that are coming from the past and unless one can observe the past it will be experienced as present day truth. It is through the observing the mind that one can begin to let go of these illusions, projections and regressions of the ego mind.

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Asian Dating Sites: The Safety Tips

Year after year, millions of people meet their partners on line and lasting relationships are forged. Asian dating sites that cover virtually all the Asian countries, have been a great source of soul mates who have turned around lives of lonely and love-struck people from all the corners of the globe. A very interesting aspect of the Asian dating sites, such as AsiaFuns, is that people have the privilege to do trouble-free dating without the fear of being stalked by malicious strangers or giving out their private information to people with fishy schemes. These sites have some safety tips to help you date without any fear. The sites will help you protect yourself against people with evil intentions, if you also help them achieve this.

There are measures and restrictions that these dating sites have put in place to give you rewarding and safe dating. To begin with, these sites give you the ability to remain anonymous until you feel it is safe enough to provide your details to other people. They always warn you not to put your personal information in your profile. They don't encourage people to give their telephone lines, their email address, the home address, your last name, among other crucial personal details. The AsiaFuns specifically gives you a different form on which to fill your personal information. This helps you share the information with the users whom you deem trustworthy enough to give such information to.

Although one can never be absolutely sure who to trust and whom to distrust, it is advised that you give your information to those users whom instincts tell you that they can be trusted. Since you must use an email address for the purposes of communicating with other dating site users, it is recommended that you open an email address for that specific purpose. And when you have accomplished your aim, it is also advised that you forget about that email address forever. This will guarantee you security against any unwanted mails. Again, you are advised to keep your passwords a secret. It is also not recommended that you create passwords that others cannot easily guess.

To easily know more about the people you are communicating with, make sure that you ask them as many questions as possible. On line friends who do not tell some useful information about themselves are generally not good people. Any inconsistencies signify dishonesty. Don't give in to any requests for money. Many such sites have the room for users to report any abuse that they encounter. You should report to the website operators any time you feel that you are dealing with a dishonest person who has evil intentions.

When you are meeting a person for the first time, it is advisable that you choose a public place and also tell a friend whom you are meeting and where you are going to meet them. If you deem it appropriate, ask them to accompany you. Remember that the people you are meeting are still strangers and that you do not know them well.

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Learn How to Get a Man to Want You!

Whether you are still looking for the man that you want to want you or have found him and want t make him want you more - it's pretty easy to If you take this advice and put it into action, you'll leave him wanting, begging and pleading for more of you!

Take a look at the best things you can do to get a man to want YOU:

1. Give Him Some Attention - But Not Too Much

Let's face it - men don't like when women throw themselves at them - at least when they are looking for someone for the long run. If you want to learn how to get a man to want you - you need to start by letting him know that you exist and/or that you just may have the slightest bit of interest in him.

How is this done? It depends on the situation, but think of it in a "cat and mouse" kind of way. If he stops to talk to you, engage in conversation but then abruptly say you have to get going because of some made-up reason. This will get his wheels turning and at least get him thinking about you.
2. Looks For Ways to Touch Slyly Touch Him

Depending on how well you know the man that you are trying to get to want you, this may or may not be difficult. When I say, find a way to touch him - it does not mean make a sexual pass at him. That will probably have him running the other way.

If you meet this guy for coffee or to study, nonchalantly drop something on the floor and when you bend down to get it - lightly brush your should against his leg. The key is to frame the touch to look like an accident. After a few "touches", you will have him going crazy and it will surely make him want YOU more!

3. Make Eye Contact

If you really want to get a man to want you, eye contact is key. They say that eyes are the windows to the soul - and it's obviously true. Making consistent eye contact with a person during conversation does multiple things to a man. First off, he will see that you are really listening to what he has to say. This is a major "turn on" for men because they are used to casual conversations with little meaning.

The second thing making eye contact will do is strengthen the emotional bond between the two of you. Once you are able to look someone in the eye, you have passed the "comfort" barrier. The bottom line is - remember to look him in the eye if you want the man to want you!

These tips are valuable for those of you that wish to learn how to get a man to want you. You can also use these tips in relationships where you already know that your boyfriend or husband wants you! These can be used to just add a little extra spark to those types of relationships!

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Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Importance Of Being Upfront With a Casual Relationship…Even If It Means The Possibility Of It Ending

it’s just that he was only upfront on a need to know basis. If she’d known the full story (that he’d begun a relationship of sorts with someone else), I doubt she’d have given him the steam off her pee, never mind continued ‘dating’ him for a rather lengthy period of time.

The key with these so-called ‘casual relationships’, which lets be real, are never really that casual as most of us cannot handle being treated or regarded casually, is that upfront, as in being totally honest about what the state of play is, is the only way to go.

The trouble is that the type of person who is going to be particularly interested in having a casual relationship is going to 1) be wary of experiencing conflict and 2) even more concerned about endangering the sex and ego stroking supply. There’s also a possible #3 – being afraid of looking like an assclown.

I know a guy who was told by his Miss Unavailable that it was just sex and fun but that it was only him that she’s seeing. Unfortunately he found out that she’s actually got about four guys on rotation and was very wounded. He knew that they weren’t in a relationship but insists that if he’d known he was one of four, he’d have stopped seeing her. To be fair, he should have stopped seeing her when she didn’t want a relationship and he was falling in love. She says that she didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him the truth. Yeah, I wonder how that’s working out for her

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Monday, June 25, 2012

Sitting On The Fence: The Position You Adopt When You Fear Making Mistakes By Committing To Decisions

it gives the mistaken impression that you have a mistake free life. This of course, is an illusion because not making decisions is actually a mistake in itself plus the effects of decision avoidance are reflected in the results of your life.

And here’s the interesting thing: It is really, frickin’ annoying when someone won’t commit and won’t make and stick to a decision, even if it’s an outcome that we won’t like, but, have you noticed something that’s very wrong with this picture?

Every person who is impacted by someone who sits on the fence, won’t commit, and who basically fannies around, is also sitting on the fence themselves.

It’s the age old thing of us often complaining about things that we’re guilty of

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When You’re Convinced You’re The ONLY One That Knows The ‘Real’ Them

Values & Common Interests BundleMr Unavailable & The Fallback GirlAbout the author – NMLExcerpt from Mr Unavailable and the Fallback GirlTestimonialsThe Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship: A reality check for women who love virtual and illusion filled relationshipsThe No Contact RuleList of Posts Lijit Search

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Sunday, June 24, 2012

Do You Really Need To Investigate What Someone’s Intentions Were Or Prove That You’re ‘Right’?

Values & Common Interests BundleMr Unavailable & The Fallback GirlAbout the author – NMLExcerpt from Mr Unavailable and the Fallback GirlTestimonialsThe Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship: A reality check for women who love virtual and illusion filled relationshipsThe No Contact RuleList of Posts Lijit Search

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Future Faking Is Like The Emperor’s New Clothes

Values & Common Interests BundleMr Unavailable & The Fallback GirlAbout the author – NMLExcerpt from Mr Unavailable and the Fallback GirlTestimonialsThe Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship: A reality check for women who love virtual and illusion filled relationshipsThe No Contact RuleList of Posts Lijit Search

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“I Miss You” Doesn’t Equal “I Want To Be With You” Or “We’re Getting Back Together”

Values & Common Interests BundleMr Unavailable & The Fallback GirlAbout the author – NMLExcerpt from Mr Unavailable and the Fallback GirlTestimonialsThe Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship: A reality check for women who love virtual and illusion filled relationshipsThe No Contact RuleList of Posts Lijit Search

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Boosting Your Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is our estimate of our worth as a person. It encompasses decisions we have made about who we are and the beliefs that we hold about ourselves. If you were to finish the sentence, I am . . . several times, you may get a peek into the state of your self-esteem. Whether you see yourself in a positive or negative light affects every decision that you make. It affects the way you treat yourself and the way you allow others to treat you.

It is important to recognize, that since your self-esteem has a lot to do with decisions you have made about yourself, that you have the power to boost your self-esteem. If you think that your self-esteem is lacking, then you have the opportunity to do something about it.

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Do You LIke Who You See In The Mirror

?Are you self-rejecting or self-accepting? When you see yourreflection in the mirror, do you smile acceptingly or do you flinch and groaninternally? Some people fear that liking their image in the mirror will meanthat they are vain or conceited. Others reject themselves because they aremeasuring themselves against the fictitious standards of beauty photoshop hascreated. Still others reject themselves because their lives have not turned outthe way they hoped they would.

You can tell the difference between self-acceptance andvanity by observing your attitude toward others.  Self-acceptance does not lead you to put anyone else down inorder to feel good about yourself, where vanity leads to pointing out othersweaknesses in order to feel superior. Vanity and conceit are bluster to make upfor and hide personal doubts.

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Give Up Controlling Behavior

Controlling behavior can be easy torecognize in others. Bossiness is the most blatant form of control;the tactical passive aggressive manoeuvres can be more difficult tospot. It is more difficult to own up to our controlling behavior andadmit that we at times have a secret agenda for our words andbehavior.
Georgianna Donadio in ChangingBehavior said, “Often we think we are behaving collaborative,acting respectfully, or that we do not have an agenda going into aninteraction when indeed we are working towards an outcome that servesour needs or desires. . . being aware of our intentions is the singlemost important responsibility we each have towards another person.”
Self awareness is key. We need to behonest with ourselves. Are we really listening to and being open withour partner. Or are we hiding our true objective and trying tomanipulate circumstances and people to get what we want.

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When X Meets Y – The Importance of Compatibility

Posted on April 30th, 2012 by Brad under: dating advice

Finding someone who you like, who you’re attracted to and who feels the same way about you is surely all that matters. Or is it? If you like someone and have a connection with them, is that the same as being compatible with them? Is compatibility really so important and if so, how do you ensure you have it in your relationship?

What It Means

Compatibility means being able to exist in harmony with your partner. In terms of a relationship, compatibility is a multi-faceted concept. You can be compatible or incompatible with someone else on many different levels.

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Saturday, June 23, 2012

First Phone Conversations in Online Dating

Posted on May 14th, 2012 by Brad under: online dating guide

How should I prepare for the first phone call with someone I’m talking to online? Should I prepare the things I want to talk about? These are questions a reader asked me recently and he was wondering if recommended handling the first phone call just like I recommend for planning for first date conversations.

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Dating Website Activity after a First Date

Posted on May 21st, 2012 by Brad under: dating advice

What is the etiquette for logging into a dating site after a first date? Should I be upset if I see someone logging into a dating site after our date? Alternately, is it impolite for me to log into a dating site after a first date that I’ve gone on?

I see this question most often from the angle of: “We had a great first date but I saw that he/she was active on Match yesterday so I guess they aren’t interested”.

Sometimes I’m contacted after the person has exploded in an email or phone call to the person they met, normally something along the lines of letting the person know they won’t be “played”.

On the other hand, I’ve also talked to people coming from this angle:

Since Match displays how active a person has been over the last 24hrs, online now, etc., when is it appropriate to log on after you have been on a really good date? I don’t want to seem like I’m not satisfied with him but right now it was just one date. However, going online right after the date didn’t seem right to me. When is the “safe” time to continue looking?

So when is the right time to go back online? And how much should we read into someone we met going back online?

Note: if you are in a committed relationship but are still seeing online activity from the person you are dating, you would want to see this article instead.

Differences Between Traditional Dating and Online Dating

First, I think it’s important to point out a difference between traditional dating and online dating

With traditional dating, after a date it would generally be considered impolite to pursue other people to date immediately. If a man went on a date with one woman and then a day or two later went on a date with a second woman without contacting the first, some would consider him a “player”.

Many people feel that traditional dating should follow a pattern of meeting someone, giving them all your attention, then ending it or taking the relationship to more serious territory. Obviously not everyone feels this way, but many do.

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Posted on June 11th, 2012 by Brad under: personal experience

As many reader’s here know, I met my wife using the dating service We’ve been married for 5 years now and are entering the next phase of our family: expecting our first child.

We decided to have some fun with finding out the sex of our baby by having a gender reveal party. If you’ve not heard of this it goes something like this:

My wife and I went to the doctor’s office and had a sonogram done that reveals the sex. However, the technician didn’t tell us the sex but instead wrote it down and put the paper in an envelope.We then took the envelope to our bakery and they bake a cake. The sex of the baby will determine the color of the batter: blue for boy, pink for girl.Next, we bring the cake home and then throw a party. With everyone together, we cut the cake open and everyone finds out the sex of the baby at the same moment.

It was a lot of fun although I was very tempted to peak the morning of the party (but didn’t). Plus, when we did the actual cutting of the cake it was more of a “tearing into it” sort of approach than the normal cake cutting ceremony! So here were the results of our party:

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Lavalife Proves Women Need a Break from Incessant Instant Messages On Dating Sites

by David Evans on June 6, 2012 in Dating Site Features

Lavalife users can now turn off the Instant Messaging feature. Prepare for outrage from male users.

With a simple click of a button, members now have the option of turning off the instant messaging functionality for 10 minutes, allowing anyone who may be logged in to better manage incoming communication.

It works like this: a member chatting with another member or browsing profiles can temporarily halt incoming IMs from everyone except the person they’re IM-ing and those earmarked on their personal Hotlists. Those members wanting to send a message, meanwhile, are spared the frustration of IM-ing a member momentarily too busy to respond.

Girls rule, boys drool. Most of the time my female friends turn of IM entirely. The only thing worse than Instant Messaging on a dating site is a dating site chat room.

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Mary Meeker’s Latest Annual State Of The Web

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Online Dating Industry Consulting & Commentary

Mary Meeker’s Latest Annual State Of The Webby David Evans on June 6, 2012 in Dating Startups

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Meet Market Adventures

by David Evans on June 6, 2012 in Dating Sites

Some client love to spread around today. I love working with Travis at , great guy, solid business model focused on bringing together singles with face-to-face group adventures.

Match can have the urban bar event scene, which pales in comparison to exploring the true meaning of trust as that cute brunette prepares to catch your plummet off a 90-foot trust fall from the top of the zip-line platform.

Launches New Dating VIP Membership Program

New Dating VIP Membership is now live and truly sets apart from other online dating sites. The VIP membership is an incredible bargain at just $7.99 per month. Users who sign up to be VIP members can expect increased visibility on the site and greater access to free events. Best of all there are no long term commitments and users can go month to month and cancel anytime with no hassle.

The VIP Membership is one of the most comprehensive and affordable memberships available online. Once users decide to sign up and become a VIP member,  they will receive an extensive list of benefits that include:

Increased visibility on the websiteUser profile will appear at the top of website searchesAbility to see who has viewed the user’s profileAbility to see who has read the user’s messagesMinimum of 2 free events and adventures per month!VIP exclusive vacation dealsAbility to send free unlimited gifts onlineFree video dating seriesA copy of Secrets to Finding

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If You Really Want to Be With Your Ex Again Then Please Read Here

There are a lot of people who want to know if using prayer to get their ex back is going to really help them in anyway, but the fact of the matter is that just because the relationship that you had with your ex is over this doesn't mean that the relationship you have with God is over. God understands you in a way that is omniscient, and the fact is that prayer is a tool which you use to get in communication with God where you speak to him and realize his ultimately love for you.

It really does go without saying that there isn't one person on the planet who isn't allowed to pray to their own personal God, and anyone who doesn't believe in a God I feel incredibly sorry for them. Some people are supremely good whereas some are evil, but it really does go without saying that God really does want to hear everything you have to tell him.

There are a lot of men and women who feel as if they neglected their partner in their relationship so of course what they want to do now is just focus and try to figure out and understand all of the different events that happened in their relationship that led to them ending their relationship. In no way does God ever leave you but in fact he is always with you and watching over you to protect.

There is no break up on earth that isn't going to result in pain and tragedy, and some men and women do not have the effort whatsoever to go and try to do everything necessary to get their ex back. It really does go without saying that prayer is something that could most definitely help you in getting your ex back in your arms, and when you are asking God and wondering what you both should be doing to get each other back then you just need to know that asking isn't the most important thing about it at all.

There are a lot of people who in no way know how to get their ex back in their arms, and in some cases doing all of this is just going to bring a person down to their knees. No matter what the circumstances are, what you need to be focused on doing is making sure that you know that your ultimate goal is simply to strengthen your connection and your relationship with God and when you do this you are going to realize what it is exactly that God truly wants from you.

If you want to know how to get back together with your ex then the most important thing that you want to focus on doing is making sure that you pray for the patience that you need. It really does go without saying that you need to make the right and necessary plans for all the right things that you are going to need to focus on to make sure that you gain all the plans that are going to help you learn and grow to really get your ex back in your arms.

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Friday, June 22, 2012

Getting Your Ex Back is Very Important and You Should Want to Do It

There are a lot of people in the world right now who definitely believe that their heart is really aching all of the time when all they want to do is just get their ex back in their arms again. It goes without saying that there are more than enough people in the world who seriously want to get their ex back in their arms again, and it really does go without saying that there are more than enough people who don't know when they should quit and definitely feel as though quitting is definitely going to be an important thing in making sure that they get their ex back.

It is more than true that love is something that never truly dies, and no matter what you are going through the fact of the matter is that deep down inside of you there is something telling you that your ex is still in love with you. It really does go without saying that your ex most definitely feels something for you, and the fact remains that if you want your ex back truly then all you need to do is focus and all the feelings that you had for one another are going to resurface and hopefully the both of you will be able to act on these feelings again.

The love that you once had for your ex is of course going to let you know whether or not it is too late for you to do anything about it. There are a lot of people who are wondering if their ex has moved on and is ready to leave them and never come back but the fact of the matter is that listening to your heart is more than important if you really do want to succeed and get them back.

It really doesn't matter if you notice that your ex has moved on and isn't coming back because the most important thing is that you focus and make sure that you are fully aware of the fact that time is the only real thing that can determine if you are going to be able to move on. Focus and make sure that you don't bury your emotions in what you are doing and just know that taking their word for everything that has happened is in no way going to help you succeed in anything that you are doing.

Of course there is a chance that your ex is going to be moving on and of course there is a chance that your ex is going to move on to someone new. The most important thing that you can be focused on doing is making sure that you are aware of all the different problems that you could go through because of the fact that they are moving on to someone new.

It really does go without saying that far too many people aren't aware of the fact that the only thing that can really tell them if they are really ready to move on from you is time. There are a lot of men and women in the world who have gotten started with dating their partner all over again and they are wondering what it is that is going to help them with getting through the break up.

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If Getting Back Together With Your Ex is What You Want Then Here is Help

It really does go without saying that far too many people go throughout life never ever falling in love with all the people that they should really be concerned with falling in love with, and it really does go without saying that you are most definitely going to get your heart broken every now and then. There are a lot of people on earth who are always trying to get through their break ups but the fact of the matter is that no matter what they feel as if they aren't going to have any chance whatsoever of succeeding because they don't think that they are going to get their partner back.

There are a lot of issues that a person is constantly trying to get themselves through and the fact remains that if a person wants to have their ex back in their arms then the most important thing for them to do is just focus on making sure that there isn't going to be feeling alone whatsoever. It is more than important that you focus on making sure that you take all the right action that is going to help you get your ex back in your arms. The right action is making sure that you don't annoy your ex constantly trying to figure out where they are and what they are doing.

The best thing that you can do first to help yourself with getting your ex back is just making sure that you understand completely the reasons for the break up happened. It is more than important that if you really are interested in fixing the problems in your relationship that caused it all to end then it is more than important that you make sure that you are going to doing everything that it takes to make sure that you avoid any and all possible reasons for it never resurfacing.

It is more than important that you make that ultimate and real decision that is going to help you in deciding if you are going to get back together with your ex. There are a ton of men and women in the world who really do wish that they could get their ex back and many of them want more to understand all the possible reasons for why the break up even happened in the first place.

A lot of people who see their ex with another tend to get extremely jealous, and without any doubt being jealous is a pure sign that you care more about yourself than you do anyone else.The best thing that you could quite possibly do to help yourself with getting your ex back is making sure that you are going to really remember all the things that made you fall in love with your ex in the first place.

It is important that you go back to the way that things work so that you are going to be able to understand and really know all the things that made the two of you shine and bring out the best qualities from the both of you. If you really do want to be back together with your ex then of course you are going to be able to remember and get back to understanding the things that made the two of you fall for each other in the first place.

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I Know You Want Your Ex Back and Use Reverse Psychology to Do It

It really is true that using reverse psychology is without a doubt something that is going to work in making sure that you know exactly how to handle and deal with all the problems that are going to arise from your issues of not being able to keep your relationship afloat with your ex. If getting back together with your ex is something that you really want to happen then it is more than important that you focus and make sure that you are going to really able to do everything it takes to win them back even when you are listening to experts preaching to you the no contact rule.

It really is true that most men and women have absolutely no idea whatsoever of all the things that are truly going to help them with getting back together with their ex but fortunately many people are still aware of the fact that there are many different methods still being used to help men and women with getting their partner back. The most important thing that you can be focused on doing is just making sure that you are aware of the fact that establishing no contact with your ex is most definitely going to work in making sure that you are going to get them back.

Even though you extremely miss your ex, the most important thing for you to be focused on doing is making sure that you are aware of all the things that are really going to be eating you away and not helping you at all to get your ex back in your arms. It is more than important that you are focused and that you know that being in a break up is something that is next to impossible to immediately get over.

This is why it is so important that you focus and make sure that you are aware of everything that you need to be focused on doing if you really do want to get them back in your arms. If you really do want to focus and make sure that you are going to be using the no contact rule effectively then the most important thing that you can do is making sure that you actually follow it and make no attempts to get your ex back whatsoever.

The no contact rule always works with making sure that you are going to be able to get through whatever problems that you are going through, and the most important thing is making sure that you are aware of the wounds that you might be putting yourself through. It really is true that if you want your ex back then you need to focus and make sure that you are going to be able to get through any of the past feelings that may have arose in not helping you to get back together with your ex.
When you do finally contact your ex to see how they are doing the most important thing that you need to be aware is that you need to keep your cool. It is very important that you focus and make sure that you remain normal and calm because if you in anyway aren't able to give your ex the honesty that they deserve then of course you might not be able to deal with your relationship better and correctly.

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Want Your Ex Back? Learn All the Different Tips and Methods That are Going to Help You

There are many people around the world at this moment right now who are extremely interested in knowing how to get their ex back from their boyfriend. Each and every day that passes there are constantly men and women who are crushing their partners in their relationships by breaking up with them, and it really does go without saying that far too many people don't think that they are going to get their ex back and many of them are doing whatever it takes to completely crush their partners by any means necessary which is something that is also great and terrible.

Just because your ex has gone to be with someone else this in no way means that they are doing this just to hurt you personally, and the only real reason why your ex is with someone else is because of the fact that they are simply trying to forget and get over you. The only thing that your ex is trying to do really is just understand that the relationship that the both of you had really might be over and they are just trying to some way accept this. If you are really willing to save your relationship then the best thing that you can do is know that there is a real and serious chance that you are going to be able to save your relationship.

It is more than scary to believe that the person you always thought you were going to be with forever could really be able to live their life without you in it. Its not only scary but it is extremely painful to think about and to actually go through it is more than terrible for anyone.

The pain that a person has gone through because of a break up can really be a painful one for men and women, and the fact of the matter is that this pain can last longer than anything you have ever felt and it is true that it hurts in unimaginable ways. The years and decades even that men and women spend in their relationships is more than serious and in no way should they simply be forgetten and thrown away.

The intimacy that you really do have in a relationship is something that is extremely hard to let go of when the break up occurs, and the fact of the matter is that when you are in a relationship with someone then of course you are going to be dealing with all the wrong things that are going to be helping you to really get through the problems of the fact that you really do have a problem with giving up all the memories that you built with your ex.

The bond that you create in a relationship are in no way breakable and in no way are you going to be able to help yourself get your ex back if you don't even care about the intimacy that you might be dealing with, and the fact is that if you want your ex then of course you want to make sure that you are going to be reestablishing some sort of line of communication to help them. Don't be rude to your ex in any way if you really do wan thtem back, and just make sure that you are going to be able to focus and get through all the problems that you went through.

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Single Men: How To Be MANLY

Hi, guys! Looking around the web dating scene, particularly internationally, I notice that some of you tend to have some problems with this whole being-one-of-the-guys thing. No, it's not your fault! We've had a couple of generations of declining marriage (more single parents, fewer dad role models), "political correctness" (and the people who mis-apply it), and "feminazis" (as opposed to true feminists). This tends to sap the testosterone out of the dating pool until we have a bunch of metrosexuals standing around complaining that they get friend-zoned all the time.

If that means you, here's the emergency fathering in the art of manliness you should have had:

Never say "It's too hard." or "It's not fair." Say "I'll handle it." Guys are not sexy when they're passively sitting there waiting for life to happen around them. What are you, a feather blowing in the breeze, or a charging bull who will take charge of their own destiny?

You don't have to explain for yourself so much. Why did you go out for a walk alone last night? Because you're a guy. Why do you insist on fixing your own brakes instead of turning the car over to the shop? Because you're a guy. Why do you swear so much? Because you're a guy. No, don't even explain that part. Just be. And please stop announcing "I have to go to the bathroom" and then standing there like you're waiting for somebody to give you permission to pee.

When you hit on a girl, make it clear. Not "Do you maybe want to hang out some time?" like you're inviting your sister to your clubhouse. It's "I enjoy being with you and I'd really like to take you out next weekend at 6 PM." Wow! Decisive, confident, assured!

Challenge yourself. I don't mean "challenge yourself" to finish the last eight levels of Call of Duty on nightmare difficulty, either. I mean take up new skills, seek a promotion at work, fix things, strike out for new horizons, climb a mountain. It's not so much the sexist ideal of "be a hero for your damsel", now it's more about "quit being a mama's boy still living in your parents basement who whines about everything."

Read! I know, you're reading this blog right now. But do you know when we poll women and ask "what's the first thing you notice when you visit a guy's place for the first time", one of the top answers is "whether he has books on his shelf"? A guy who reads is someone with an opinion more relevant than "I dunno" and conversational topics beyond sports and video games. He's someone who thinks and has ideas. Even just a couple of dime-store paperbacks tossed around for appearances' sake is something.

Further reading: Art of Manliness.

Posted byJodie BrittainatSunday, January 08, 2012

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Ideas For What To Do On A Geek Date

This list on geek dating ideas made us laugh, smile, and sigh, because it's so funny, sweet, and cute. We just can't resist the simple charm of two brainy sweethearts settling down for a Dungeons & Dragons session.

What's the big deal with "geek" dating? Well, with geeks, you know that they have a bright career ahead of them, and they're moderately reliable, stable, and faithful. But they take some special handling. They won't like many mainstream things, and some of them you have to drag out of the house or they'll live like a potted plant in front of their XBox 360 all day.

But it's worth it to know that you'll be there with them at a ComicCon when they get a signed Liefeld in their mitts. As you watch them bounce around with giddy schoolyard happiness, you'll be thinking "He's never going to cheat on me, beat me, or get hooked on drugs. This is as annoying as he's ever going to get." Sure, honey, let's go look at the Starship Enterprise model now.

How about something different tonight? Phone Sex AustraliaPosted byJodie BrittainatSunday, March 11, 2012

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Dating - Don't Let Breaking Up Break You

A subject that's not brought up often on dating blogs is what to do after a relationship ends. We Love Dates has some great advice. It is true that you have to give yourself a mourning period. After all, a relationship has died - the people go on, but the love is gone. Yeah, sure, pay your respect to the late date.Then follow this checklist after you're done with theirs:
Treat yourself to a night out, dine out, bring a book.Buy yourself a couple special treats for enjoying at home.Buy at least one new outfit. Something splashy that will boost your confidence.Stay up all night playing video games or watching movies in your underwear.Now get your tail back out there and date again!Posted byJodie BrittainatThursday, May 03, 2012

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Thursday, June 21, 2012

Emily Post Institute Advises Online Dating Etiquette

We kind of think she blew a few of them. The great-grand-daughter of the original Emily Post - are those of us who remember the original so old already? - advises on online dating do's and don'ts.

Skeptically, we'll do a little damage control...

#2. "Keep it neutral." She advises against expressing strong opinions lest you scare people off. This is the opposite of what common sense dictates - it's your dating profile, you should be as blunt and up-front as possible! If you're a far-right-wing vegan nut with theophobia, it's best to let your prospective bed partner know right now. You're dating, not applying for a job.

#3. "Consistent across social media". No, people should understand that we have a "work me" and a "home me" in the 2000s. And a firm difference should be drawn between the two. I don't expect the retail clerk I take home to ask me "debit or credit" in bed at night, and I should certainly hope he doesn't tell customers tomorrow what we did tonight, either.

#6. "No sexting". Honey, if you think sexting is a no-no, you're about 30 years out of style. We've met seniors who sext. It's everywhere - maybe we don't all like it, but like "cybersex" and "phone sex" before it, it isn't going away.Posted byJodie BrittainatWednesday, June 13, 2012

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Saturday, April 14, 2012

Plan To Improve Your Relationship

A little bit of thoughtful work and planning on a relationship can never hurt, so many people just expect the relationship to take care of itself... a relationship, like an automobile, needs a little maintenance now and then...

A little bit of thought and planning can go a long way toward improving your relationship. Many relationships suffer from what boils down to a shortage of quality time together. Planning your day, week, and year can help you improve your relationship.

This is a time of year when many people choose to set some goals for the year to come. When you are choosing goals, remember to include your relationship as a priority in your plans. Plan for at least two weekend getaways for the two of you. Lack of funds does not mean that you have to opt out. Get creative and find ways to make a getaway at home.

If you have children, find someone who can care for them away from home; you could ask grandparents or trade weekends with family or friends. Whether your getaway is at home or far away, choosing to turn off cell phones, computers and other distraction will make it much more likely that the two of you will reconnect.

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It’s Not The X Factor: Stop Treating Dating Like You’re Auditioning For An Expert Judge

Just because things don't always work out doesn't mean you have to take it personally...

‘Rejection’ within dating and relationships is widely treated like 'auditioning’ for a part and then failing to get the role. Think about this for a moment: It being treated like an audition means that someone always holds the power from the outset and your fate is being put in their hands. You have to interview, perform, demonstrate, convince – handing over all of your power in dating is like telling the other party to kick back and relax because you’re going to make all of the key effort. Based on what? They’re not God, a higher power, or that special!

What kind of expertise or power are you granting people? Which characteristics, qualities, and values are you assigning them that you can immediately or very quickly ascertain that you need to put on your costume? That they go to church? Have been in the same job for a gazillion years or are just very good at their job? They have big breasts or are well hung? Beautiful? Super-intelligent? Ph.d in People Picking? Good with animals and children? Money and status? Chemistry? Common interests? Good sense of humour?

Not one of these are reasons to demote yourself and act like you’re auditioning for a relationship.

Now you’d like to think that people who have the power to decide someone’s fate get it right every time, but yet there are a tonne of actors, authors, dancers, singers, job interviewees, successful entrepreneurs, sports stars and the list goes on, who have been rejected, and many of these have gone on to be more successful than people who they were rejected for, and many of the remainder are still trying...

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Playing For Your Relationship

We tend to think of playing as something that children do. Many adults think that they are past needing to play. But play is fun and necessary for all ages. We don’t get old because of the number of years that we have lived, we get old because we have forgotten how or refuse to play.

Ask yourself: what have I done just for fun lately? If the answer is either I don’t know or nothing, then it is time to reconnect with your inner child and awaken you sense of wonder and curiosity. Stuart Brown of the Institute of Play said, “What do most Nobel Laureates, innovative entrepreneurs, artists and performers, well-adjusted children, happy couples and families, . . have in common? They play enthusiastically throughout their lives."

Two things have happened recently in our house that got me thinking about play. First we got a new kitten and she loves to play. The whole family is smiling and laughing more, enjoying the antics of the quickly growing fur ball. The second is that we got some kinect games. We are up off the couch, laughing and playing. Playful activity brings couples and families together much more than vegging on the couch ever will.

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Do You HAVE To Feel Instant Attraction? Why It’s Time To Stop Acting Like You’re A Love Psychic

If you are hung up on first impressions you may find yourself chasing your own imagination and not getting to that real relationship stage...

Picture this: You go on a dating website, you start scanning through photos or looking through suggested ‘matches’, and you rule out some or even a lot based on not feeling an instant attraction. You might read through some profiles and even though they appear to have similar values, you don’t feel that ‘spark’ and so dismiss them.

With other profiles, they say stuff about themselves that rings your ‘hook’ bell – they mention being a churchgoer, or that they earn six figures, or that they’re educated at an elite university, or that they have a dog, are a family person, have loads of degrees, are supertastic intelligent, are a green campaigner, or quote from an obscure book that you love too. You fire off an email to them or if they’ve already made contact with you, you eagerly reply, feeling excited at possibly meeting just the type of person you’re looking for.

Out in the real world, you go on first dates and if you don’t feel a ‘spark’ and a ‘connection’, are immediately or by the end of the date, mentally saying “Sayonara” and bracing yourself to continue your quest. Or you feel disheartened that you still haven’t met that ‘someone’ with that ‘spark’…that you can also actually manage to have a relationship with.

It is fascinating that so many people are hung up on instant attraction, instant chemistry, instant spark, and basically this illusion of instant knowledge about a person that they either haven’t even met in the flesh or don’t even know.

These people feel spark with a one-dimensional photograph.These people feel spark with words and even promises which in the cold light of day and in hindsight seem ridiculous to be made by someone they hardly knew.These people feel spark with what their sexual organs or their imagination tells them.

These very same people will protest that they ‘can’t’ go on a date with someone and will find it unlikely that their attraction and interest will grow, if they don’t feel it immediately. For them, attraction, love, chemistry and the whole kit and caboodle have a foundation in something of nothing. There seems to be an absence of spark with action.

What you don’t realise if you’re relying on ‘instant’ or very quick attraction, is that you’re saying that you can be attracted to and even fall in love with someone that you don’t know, but that you couldn’t become attracted to and fall in love with someone that you grew to know. Isn’t there something very odd about that? You can fall in love with the promise, but you couldn’t fall for the reality?

And here’s where it becomes very interesting: When you experience that instant/very quick attraction, what follows after is the discovery phase, where you hopefully get to know them in reality. What I’ve seen happen time and again, is that people who rely on this whole ‘instant’ thing, don’t adjust their view of the person, their level of trust, their ideas about a possible relationship, as they get to know them. They stick with their initial perception and they don’t reconcile it with reality.

When the person does things that directly contradict the image you have of them, you keep going back to the initial feelings and perceptions you had, as if this is ‘right’. It then means that aside from not feeling attracted to people who you don’t feel it ‘instantly’ with, you also won’t reduce your attraction to someone you felt it with immediately, even as you get to ‘know’ them and they’re not meeting your vision, hope, and expectations.
This puts you into a bit of a ‘no judgement’ quagmire where you will only rely on the immediate ‘information’ that you think you’ve gleaned, and won’t trust yourself to go through discovery and get to know someone, or to evaluate actions and situations, make a judgement, and ultimately make a decision. This is a very tricky place for you to be in. Don’t you want to have to use your eyes and ears? Don’t you want to have the option to choose healthily? Don’t you want to actually know someone in reality?

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Friday, April 13, 2012

Relationship Myths

Here's a very thoughtful and helpful about things we've always assumed about our relationships that may not always be true in every situation.

So oft in theologic wars,
The disputants, I ween,
Rail on in utter ignorance
Of what each other mean,
And prate about an Elephant
Not one of them has seen! - John Godfrey Saxe -

“All is fair in love and war” is a myth that can get us into a lot of trouble. In my years of counseling I have never seen an injury or hurt between individuals in a couple relationship that was deemed fair by either of the two just because they were in love. When I was growing up there used to be a little cartoon couple who were naked and were supposed to represent a loving couple. The caption always started with “Love means…” and ended with some cute little platitude. One of these captions I remember most because even as a teenager it just seemed not quite right was ”Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

I have often wondered as a counselor what else have we been taught by poets, well-minded friends, loving family and caring friends. Some people have been taught to believe that having different opinions as a couple means one of them is wrong, others understand that to have disagreements, fights even, is the sign of a relationship in trouble. On my wedding day my great-grandfather, whom I love and respect dearly, told us that we should never go to bed angry or unhappy with each other.

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When You Believe That You Wouldn’t Feel, Be Or Act A Certain Way Unless It Was Love

How you process a breakup may reflect on your beliefs and how you operate emotionally...

A lot of people have been perplexed by how in spite of the fact that they may have known someone for hours, days, weeks, or a few months, they can’t let go of memories of feeling good or the steadfast belief that the other party meant every word and action, so they persist in rehashing the memories and the beliefs, often making the time spent fantasising and ruminating greatly exceed the length of the actual involvement.
When this happens, you’re stuck on this fundamental belief that what you experienced only happens when you’re experiencing ‘love’. What you feel, see, and do during the involvement isn’t questioned and is assumed to be a response to it. Your mind cannot compute the fact that it wasn’t love, or at least not the beginning of a complete ‘ideal relationship’ forever and ever and ever. You may rationalise that even if it has been a short period of time, it’s because of the deep feelings between you, not Fast Forwarding or the presence of code amber and red behaviour.

When you’re stuck on these memories and beliefs, it can make you wonder:

- How could a Future Faker know what you want to hear?
- In fact, how could anyone who you didn’t know before becoming involved, know how to bring these feelings out of you without even knowing you for any great deal of time? It must mean something, surely?
- How could you feel ‘like this’, whether it’s high on the possibilities when you’re with them or miserable now that it’s over, and it not be symbolic of love? What is it then? You may have always believed that you’d only feel, act, and think a certain way if you were experiencing ‘true love’.

You then get stuck because you over-trust the over-correlation you make between your feelings, experiences, actions, hopes and expectations…and love.

It can feel like your mind and body is playing tricks on you. Ever assumed that a great sexual connection equals an emotional connection equals the making of a great relationship? Many readers end up remaining involved with someone to justify the fact that they had sex or a level of interest in the first place – the Justifying Zone. It’s like “There must be a good reason….I just need to find it!”

You take meaning from your actions. The thing is, of course all of our actions have meaning, it’s just that they don’t always have the meanings or weight that we attribute to them.

Some, for example, attribute post breakup pain and being unable to move on as a sign of how deeply the love is felt, but actually, how much pain you feel or how long you immerse yourself in living the breakup life is actually indicative of how you’re handling the situation and how you feel about you, especially if the relationship was unhealthy.

When you’re stuck on certain beliefs, you think and say stuff like:
“I wouldn’t be stuck unless….”
“I wouldn’t have done this unless…”
“I wouldn’t have believed this unless…”
“I wouldn’t have felt this unless…”

The uncomfortable truth is closer to this: These actions or lack thereof, are not a sign of love or even what you’re ‘owed’; they are a sign of your own unavailability. What are you avoiding?

We’re also back to the stubbornness I talked about in the last post – why keep believing something that doesn’t truly serve you and certainly isn’t reflected in results? Rather than admit that you made an error in judgement, or believed too easily, or that it was good while it lasted but it wasn’t meant to be for valid reasons, you want to blame yourself, or feel tricked out of a relationship you feel you’re owed. It’s persisting in holding onto these illusions about the other person, the circumstances, or even yourself that is disappointing you again and again and again.

Sometimes you feel excited, passionate, lustful, loving, caring, adoring, obsessive, jealous, possessive, careless, insecure, sexy, horny, trusting, admiring, and willing to take a chance, or willing to believe, or willing to be, do, and say certain things…and it’s nothing whatsoever to do with the ‘rightness’ of the situation or even the existence of ‘love'.

You are a person under your own command. That’s not to say that sometimes our minds and bodies don’t leap ahead, but it is just too great a leap to decide that what you say, do, and feel is intrinsically tied to the presence of love. When you make these assumptions about you, you’ll make them about others, and then forget to judge the situation or them by the truth of their actions consistently over time.

You feeling what you did or do is your feelings. They are not linked to an ex or current person on an index of believability. “Ooh I feel chemistry again…that’s 99 points on the believability index!”

The payoff of believing that you wouldn’t be being, doing, or feeling certain things ‘unless’ is that you don’t consider other possibilities. You don’t even consider the facts, which is why so many readers who are stuck, do their very best to avoid considering some far more obvious reasons why the relationship wasn’t going to be what they thought it was, regardless.

It’s like “Yeah they had partner already or yeah they lied or yeah I thought they were shady…and what? I felt and did these things so it was love so this stuff doesn’t matter.” Er, yes it frickin’ does. ‘Love’ or ‘lust’ is not some magic eraser. If you think you can feel something and shazam, problems gone, think again.

Contextually, what you feel is what you feel (although you may in time come to realise that what you’ve experienced isn’t the same type of love you’d feel in a healthier situation), but there isn’t the loving, mutual relationship to back up your beliefs, so it’s time to reassess what you believe to be true.

Yes you may well believe that you wouldn’t have said or done certain things ‘unless’, but the fact is that you did, and the unless part doesn’t stand up. You’re talking about a situation and a person in the past, which is only confirmation of the fact that the present and what happened subsequently isn’t reflective of what you’re holding onto.

Fact is, people don’t automatically know what you want to hear, but they soon find out by your receptiveness and then they know which tune to play. It doesn’t mean you’re ‘soul mates’.

Sometimes being high on the possibilities is about grabbing an opportunity to escape a life that you’re not happy with. Sometimes being miserable after the breakup, is about your relationship with you and often being angry at having to return to a life you don’t want.

If you have acted ‘crazy’, busted up your boundaries, turned a blind eye, and eroded your own values, that’s not out of love - that’s out of a lack of self-love and attempting to trade you for a reward.

When you’re ready to have a good, honest conversation with yourself, you will realise that you can feel, be, or act in certain ways and it not be out of love. This is especially the case if you 1) have low self-esteem and 2) have a relationship pattern that has been working against you.

Love is all about action, not just words and thinking. It’s also sustained and consistent action. Talk and the honeymoon period at the start of a relationship is cheap, but being in for the long haul and demonstrating love and commitment day after day, isn’t. If something you claim was love could be over in hours, days, weeks, or months, it didn’t have the legs to stand up to real life or time. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t great while you had it, but if you’re in the market for a genuine, mutually fulfilling relationship that can go the distance, it’s time to let go of memories that really have about as much nutritional value as crumbs...

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It Takes Effort

"Anything in life worth having is worth working for." Andrew Carnegie

When we first enter into our relationship we have these dreams and hopes about how it is going to be. We see the future as bright and sunny with nary a cloud on the horizon. It takes only a few years, if things are going well, to find that perhaps our dream is not happening. There are clouds and more than a few and they are not on the horizon, they are here and guess what it's raining. Now what? Is our relationship over, are we done? Unfortunately in today's disposable world many people think so and end their relationship at the first sign of storm clouds.

Any relationship will have days when there is no sunshine, when the clouds threaten to overpower us. No relationship is easy all the time, every relationship needs some effort, needs some TLC. As the Carnegie quote above teaches us any relationship worth having is worth working for. When talking about our marriage it seems somewhat daunting or awkward to say it needs work. Work usually means doing hard things, things we "have" to do, sometimes things we really don't want to do.

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You Just Don’t Have That Kind Of Power: You Haven’t ‘Made’ Someone Be Or Do Something

If your relationship is stalling, and you are wondering how to fix things, it may be time to first evaluate how you are feeling about yourself, how you feel about your man, because how you feel will influence what you say and do and that will eventually impact your relationship...

When you experience problems, but are sidetracked with your own issues regarding how you feel about you or are clinging hard to beliefs that you’re stuck on, not only do you fail to compute the rather compelling topline data, but how you respond to the situation, emotionally and then physically through action, ends up being way off base.

Here’s the thing: If you don’t believe, for example, that you’re “good enough” and possibly have, for example, the other party on a pedestal, and then you experience a problem, what do you focus on?
The actual issue at hand viewed objectively and respecting each of you as individuals? Or, how the situation relates to your feelings of inadequacy? It might even be that it immediately triggers memories of another experience that left you feeling the same way, so you’ve already raced ahead and drawn a conclusion.
What are you actually responding to? The issue, or the bell tolling “Aha! See, I’m not good enough”?
How do you respond to the latter? Do you feel angry? Defensive? Rejected? Frustrated? Desperate? Scared? Vulnerable? Powerless? Helpless? Sad? Hurt? Ashamed? Rage? Victimised? Do you lose hope? Do you expect doom? Do you start objection handling?

But if you’re responding to how you feel about you or a distorted belief, what you’re not doing is responding to the situation at hand, which makes it very difficult to handle issues in reality or distinguish between your behaviour and theirs.
It’s not about you.

Your actions are about you as they’re what’s under your control. Their actions are about them. You make your choices and are influenced by various factors, just as they do. In a mutual relationship, you each tend to have more influencing factors in common because you have shared values.

Yet people love making Other People’s Behaviour about them, which is actually inverted ego issues, like some sort of whacked out reverse narcissism.

We can be very quick to spot behaviour like ego stroking, collecting attention, being self-serving or at the extreme end being a narcissist, for the ego issues that they are, but so is persisting in identifying with “I’m not good enough”. It is very simply having a way of life that makes ‘everything’ about you, when it’s not.
You view life through a low self-esteem lens that makes as much as possible into confirmation of your lack of value, plus you see an opportunity to think the worst of you, and ‘everything’ seems to point to the ‘fact’ that you’re not being and doing ‘enough’.

If I’d believed I was a worthwhile and valuable person, I wouldn’t have given most of my exes the time of day, never mind the steam off my pee, or at the very least, these ‘relationships’ would have been over within a few days to 3 months.

Whenever I finally left, it’s because I clawed back whatever self-respect I had left and suddenly, albeit temporarily, stopped making everything about me. I saw the situation clearly enough to recognise that there were issues in existence, that would exist whether I had The Highest Self-Esteem In The Universe...

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How Attempting To Get The Wedding Dress I Paid For Gave Me A Crash Course In Shady Relationships

Another Wedding Dress rant... but a good one.

I was so focused on getting the dress and not being ripped off, I didn’t see it, just like many readers are focused on getting the validation or the commitment, while not recognising they have no foundation in the present. Hot tip – keep a list and a Feelings Diary.
Also avoiding conflict by using texts to ‘communicate’ is immature. Put on your big girls/boys pants and pick up the phone at least...

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How to Improve Communication

Clear communication is vital for any healthy relationship. The most frequent concern that I hear as a marriage counselor is that couples are struggling with communication. One or both of them is not feeling heard or understood. Frustration and resentment builds. Poor communication can be taxing on any relationship.

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