Question:
My husband cheated on me and I feel so betrayed and angry with him. Is there a way that I can tell him how I feel without lashing out at him and pushing him farther away from me?
Answer:
If you're struggling to deal with your husband's affair or cheating ways, you're not alone. Many women say they feel alone and don't know what to do next. A great place to start sorting out your feelings and emotions is to write a letter to your husband. But be careful when writing the letter because most likely your feelings will change towards your husband in the coming weeks and months. Also, the letter you write will set the tone for your recovery. And as has happened before, letters like this usually lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings between couples.
However, I understand your reasoning for wanting to write a letter. Often times, it's difficult to put hard feelings into words. And usually what ends up happening to us is we choke up and cry or break down when we're trying to express ourselves. So naturally we feel like writing down our thoughts and feelings would be more effective. Now I can't write the letter for you, but I'm going to give you an idea of what to write below.
Using a Letter to Release Your Thoughts about the Affair
The first letter you write may not even necessarily go to your husband. Many women find it beneficial to write this kind of letter because it allows them to release extremely painful feelings. In fact I encourage you to do this. If you don't want to write a letter for your husband, that's ok, but I think you should do one for yourself that no one else sees.
The best part about writing this kind of letter is that you don't have to censor yourself or worry about how the letter will be perceived by others.
After the letter has been written, it's a good idea to hide it or better yet, burn it because it's not meant for anyone but you. Since you're the only one reading the letter, don't hold back, let it all out. Go crazy and let it all out and then put the letter away where no one can find it. The letter is a way for you to release your trapped feelings inside you, it's not meant to be shared with anyone else. Now that we've talked about the letter you write to yourself, let's take a look at a letter that will benefit both you and your husband.
The Purpose Behind Your Letter
Before you craft your letter, take a minute to think about its real purpose. What do you want your husband to take away after he reads it?
Many women write letters hoping to make their husbands feel guilty or ashamed about their affair. They're trying to get the point across to them about the pain the affair caused. They want to give him a small glimpse into their lives so he can see just how damaging the affair was.
I completely understand your rational. But this is why you need to understand what you want your letter to say and what you want your husband to take away from it when he's done reading it. Women may not admit this to themselves, but the core issue behind writing letters is to improve the situation. Women hope that as their husbands read the words of the letter, they'll understand how their actions affected their lives and pledge to never cheat again.
The problem is that it usually has the opposite effect. It's true that the letter will make your husband feel guilty. But may husbands also see the letter as a continuation of things. In response to this type of letter, most men will usually say something like:
" she's not telling me anything I haven't already heard or don't already know.
I get it! I screwed up. But why do we need to keep going around in circles?
I've already told her that I was sorry and want to save the marriage. So how does her letter change things? All she's done is written down a conversation that we've already had? All this tells me is that I've let her down and disappointed her and she's just trying to rub it in. But that's nothing new. It's not necessary for her to repeat it."
This is the reason you need to know and understand what the objectives of your letter are before you sit down to write it and ask yourself if there's a chance that your husband could mis-interpret what you're saying or trying to get across to him.
What Your Letter Should Include
A well crafted letter will help a marriage improve, even after an affair. But you've got to be careful what you write. Because as you've seen from the example above, a well intended letter may actually miss the target and set the marriage back instead of moving it forward. The true power of your letter shines forth when you clarify and misconceptions or misunderstandings that the two of you had as well as outline your intent and plan for moving forward. Indeed, a letter written the right way can and will set the tone of your marriage for the next few weeks and months.
As an example, rather than just spouting off about the affair and how it's affected your life, you might want to include some details about how you would like to move forward and then outline what you need for that to happen and how. When writing your letter make sure it contains these 3 things: your current feelings, what your needs are and your future intentions. It's understandable that you'd want to include some information about how the affair has affected your life, but don't make that the sole focus of the letter or else you won't get what you need from your husband.
After you've expressed your feelings in the letter, the next thing you should include is what you need from your husband in the coming weeks and months. If you need more reassurance, accountability or affection, the letter is the perfect time and place to ask. It's easier to put these things in writing sometimes, especially when we've been deeply hurt. But the best thing for both parties involved is that it's written down and documented so your husband can refer to it again and again any time he has questions about what you need from him to move forward in your marriage.
Lastly, spell out your intentions moving forward. Most husbands aren't sure what their wives need from them after an affair. So if you want to save your marriage after an affair, take time to write down your feelings and expectations for your husband that tell him exactly what you need and how he can help get you there.
View the Original article
No comments:
Post a Comment