Fighting in Relationships Is Painful and Pointless But How Do You Stop?

Do you give in to anger when your man does something you don't like? Does he trigger reactions in you that you don't like in yourself? If you find yourself fighting, arguing and blaming your man, then you may not be doing yourself or your relationship any favours. Arguing with a man will rarely get you what you want and is generally a cause of disconnection, frustration, resentment and relationship failure. Read this article to discover why arguing with your man is a waste of time and can damage your relationship. You will also find ideas on how to stop.

Are you a shouter or a blamer? Can you remember back to arguments you have had where your man kept his cool whilst you lost the plot? However unreasonable his arguments, he probably almost came across as superior. You probably felt upset and frustrated as well as humiliated and unsupported. You see, men have a much easier time detaching from their emotions and are therefore better placed to argue from a logical point of view.

If you are the type of woman who loses her cool in a relationship, you may find your man switches off his emotions and becomes cool and distant. When he feels attacked, criticised or blamed by you, you trigger his competitive spirit and he forgets to be loving. He now becomes cold and in some cases, seems almost calculating or cruel. Under these circumstances many men will feel the need to prove themselves right... at your expense.

Women on the other hand, are much more in touch with their emotions. When your man becomes critical and unloving, you not only have to deal with the original issue, but now feel disconnected with him which causes you additional pain. If he tries to ignore your emotions in a bid to solve the problem you will feel unsupported and unloved. His frustration at your reactions may quickly turn to anger. The differences between you can lead to an escalation in many cases from minor disagreement to eruption of a major confrontation, followed by stalemate, withdrawal and silence.

Is it wrong to get into an argument with your man? Well, if that has been your pattern of habit over some or many years then I would suggest that you will find it difficult to do anything else, until you become aware of your patterns and start to change them. Generally these types of over-emotional reactions are below our conscious control and have been programmed over many years. The point about arguing is that it does not solve the underlying issues. It generally leads to pain, upset and time wasted in disconnection and frustration with each other. Perhaps the whole weekend gets ruined over something that started as a minor disagreement.

In time, the argument appears to go away, but the real problems including inability to communicate effectively, to compromise, to meet each other's needs and the negative emotional habits remain. The associated resentment and stuffed anger simmer below the surface, waiting to trigger another fight at the slightest opportunity.

If your relationship suffers from a problem with anger, then simply realising that this is not ideal may be enough to start some change. Anger and fighting in relationships are just unhealthy patterns of reaction and can be reprogrammed but it will take effort and self-control. Realise that shouting and blaming are not effective ways to communicate or get your point across. If you continue to allow these patterns of resentment and anger in your relationship then sooner or later it will fall apart.

You can't change another person so you will need to look at your own behaviour to see where you can change first. When you change your patterns and refuse to be pulled into a fight, your man will be forced to change his. Refrain from shouting and blaming and tell him how you feel instead of what he did wrong. Start to be aware of where tension arises in your relationship and pull back to cool off before resuming discussion at a later time when you have thought things through. Look at what the underlying problem is rather than just the surface issue. Usually it is one or both partners feeling insignificant, abused or taken for granted.

Fighting in relationships is pointless and painful. A healthy communication process involves negotiation and compromise, where you both stand up for what you want but are prepared to compromise at times. Sticking to the real issues, avoiding criticism and blame is essential. Changing will be difficult and take time but it is the only way to foster a mature, loving relationship.

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