Online Dating First Message Advice

Start off on the right foot when first messaging a prospective date.

First Phone Conversations in Online Dating

Posted on May 14th, 2012 by Brad under: online dating guide

How should I prepare for the first phone call with someone I’m talking to online? Should I prepare the things I want to talk about? These are questions a reader asked me recently and he was wondering if recommended handling the first phone call just like I recommend for planning for first date conversations.

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Dating Website Activity after a First Date

Posted on May 21st, 2012 by Brad under: dating advice

What is the etiquette for logging into a dating site after a first date? Should I be upset if I see someone logging into a dating site after our date? Alternately, is it impolite for me to log into a dating site after a first date that I’ve gone on?

I see this question most often from the angle of: “We had a great first date but I saw that he/she was active on Match yesterday so I guess they aren’t interested”.

Sometimes I’m contacted after the person has exploded in an email or phone call to the person they met, normally something along the lines of letting the person know they won’t be “played”.

On the other hand, I’ve also talked to people coming from this angle:

Since Match displays how active a person has been over the last 24hrs, online now, etc., when is it appropriate to log on after you have been on a really good date? I don’t want to seem like I’m not satisfied with him but right now it was just one date. However, going online right after the date didn’t seem right to me. When is the “safe” time to continue looking?

So when is the right time to go back online? And how much should we read into someone we met going back online?

Note: if you are in a committed relationship but are still seeing online activity from the person you are dating, you would want to see this article instead.

Differences Between Traditional Dating and Online Dating

First, I think it’s important to point out a difference between traditional dating and online dating

With traditional dating, after a date it would generally be considered impolite to pursue other people to date immediately. If a man went on a date with one woman and then a day or two later went on a date with a second woman without contacting the first, some would consider him a “player”.

Many people feel that traditional dating should follow a pattern of meeting someone, giving them all your attention, then ending it or taking the relationship to more serious territory. Obviously not everyone feels this way, but many do.

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First Dates Fail for Same Reason?

A reader recently wrote me with a very unique situation that was leading to multiple unsuccessful first dates.
In many cases, failed first dates can be a mystery: did she not like my personality? Was he not attracted to me? On the other hand, sometimes we know exactly why we are seeing failed dates…we just don’t know how to respond to them.

In this case, my reader knew exactly why he was struggling on the first dates but wasn’t sure how to correct the situation. Here’s part of his email:


I have really enjoyed reading your site and online dating guide. Based on your information, I am making some serious changes to my online dating approach. But I do have a question that I have not seen addressed in any of the literature I have read and I am hoping you may have some insight or suggestion.

About two years ago I stumbled upon a group of modern-day monks called the Ishayas and learned a prayer / meditation teaching called the Ishayas’ Ascension. I fell in love with the teaching and now share it all over the United States. I also joined the Ishaya Order and as part of my vows, I wear a wedding ring. I assure you that I am not married, not engaged, nor have I ever been either.

However, as I am sure you can imagine this comes up quite often when I meet women. I have not found a graceful approach to handling it yet, except for telling the truth which often ends up in a long conversation that can range from religion, belief, spiritual enlightenment, philosophy, etc. All pretty heavy subjects for a first date and almost always with me doing most of the talking.

The responses so far have ranaged from being flat-out called a liar to ending up as more of a teacher than a potential love interest. Any thoughts?

Specific Example, General Approach
I realize that many readers may read this person’s experience and say, “Well I’m not a monk so this advice won’t help me”.

Not so! I realize that this is a very specific example but the response to dates failing for one specific reason has a general approach. Sure, your situation will differ: your failed dates might instead be caused by revealing information about your job, your relationship history, or any number of items. That being the case, the advice remains the same so keep reading...


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